Adam Grant said in a recent post, “In toxic relationships, you’re forced to choose between honesty and loyalty. You bite your tongue to protect their ego. In healthy relationships, honesty is an expression of loyalty. You speak your mind to help them grow. When you have real trust and respect, candor shows care.”

I have to be honest. I spent a long time in some toxic relationships. Unfortunately, those toxic relationships were in the church. Leaders defined “loyalty” as agreement without opposition. If you opposed any ideas from the leader, you were deemed as undermining, rebellious, and/or disloyal.

Since that time, I have a different view. Loyalty isn’t based upon what is “best for me” but what’s “best for us.” And what’s best for us is honesty. Without honesty (and vulnerability) there is no real relationship. Without the ability to be truly honest, there is only a facade … a performance. Patrick Lencioni says in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, trust is the foundation of highly functioning teams. Without trust, you have no foundation. And if you can’t be honest and give feedback in a relationship without fear or repercussion, there is no trust.

I am reminding myself of this today … if I consider myself loyal, I MUST be willing to be honest … even if that honesty is a threat to the relationship. But the truth is this .. if your relationships can’t handle honestly, they are already in jeopardy. So here’s to loyalty … and more honest conversations.