{"id":212418,"date":"2026-03-14T14:34:43","date_gmt":"2026-03-14T21:34:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/?p=212418"},"modified":"2026-04-19T21:35:37","modified_gmt":"2026-04-20T04:35:37","slug":"the-system-vs-your-soul-how-senior-leaders-reframe-criticism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/the-system-vs-your-soul-how-senior-leaders-reframe-criticism\/","title":{"rendered":"The System vs. Your Soul: How Senior Leaders Reframe Criticism"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Stepping into this new role has felt a bit like walking onto a moving train mid-journey. The track was already laid, the cargo already loaded, and the cars already in motion long before I showed up. I\u2019ve been here six weeks, and so far, it\u2019s been surprisingly easy not to take things personally. The systems, tensions, and history I\u2019m bumping into aren\u2019t things I created. When someone is frustrated, some part of me instinctively thinks, \u201cYou\u2019re not mad at me<\/em>; you\u2019re reacting to what you\u2019ve been faithfully carrying for a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n

I want to say up front: none of this is about blaming anyone who came before me or criticizing anyone who\u2019s here now. Every leader inherits both gifts and gaps. I\u2019ve stepped into an organization shaped by people who have worked hard, loved well, and made countless good decisions under real constraints. My reflections here are simply about the inner work of leadership\u2014how I\u2019m learning to stay open-minded and grounded as I join that ongoing story, not rewrite it.<\/p>\n

Because I\u2019m the \u201cnew guy\u201d, I can sit in meetings and genuinely ask, \u201cTell me what this has been like for you,\u201d without feeling instantly defensive. It\u2019s a gift that comes with fresh eyes: I can listen with curiosity and appreciation for what\u2019s already been built. At the same time, I know that as I begin to make decisions and add my own fingerprints, the emotional distance I feel right now will naturally shrink. So I\u2019m writing this as a way to capture what I\u2019m learning while it\u2019s relatively easy not to take things personally\u2014both for my future self and for any leader stepping into a role where good people have been doing good work long before you arrived.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

1. When \u201cI inherited this\u201d becomes \u201cthis feels like it\u2019s about me\u201d<\/h2>\n

Right now, it\u2019s very clear in my mind: I didn\u2019t design this org structure. I didn\u2019t write these policies. I didn\u2019t choose these tools. Other leaders, teams, and boards did their best with the information, pressures, and values they had at the time. When someone shares frustration about what isn\u2019t working, I try to hear it as feedback on the system<\/em> we\u2019re all living in, not a critique of any one person\u2019s character\u2014past or present.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019ve been around long enough, and in enough roles, to know what\u2019s coming. Over time, I\u2019ll be part of the \u201cwe\u201d who are shaping what comes next. I\u2019ll participate in decisions that people appreciate and decisions they struggle with. The same folks who are glad there\u2019s fresh energy in the mix may also feel the friction of change. Naturally, some of that pushback will land closer to my identity.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s not a sign that previous leaders did something wrong, or that current leaders are being unreasonable. It\u2019s simply the reality that as ownership increases, so does emotional exposure.<\/strong> High-capacity, high-care leaders\u2014past and present\u2014feel criticism more acutely because we genuinely care about our people and our mission.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

2. What\u2019s about me vs. what\u2019s about the system we share<\/h2>\n

One reframe I\u2019m practicing is: \u201cThis is for<\/em> me, but it\u2019s not necessarily about<\/em> me.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

When someone brings strong emotion, it usually reflects:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • Their lived experience in this organization\u2019s history. <\/li>\n
  • Their hopes and fears about the future. <\/li>\n
  • Their perception of how decisions affect them and those they care about.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    That\u2019s true whether they\u2019re reacting to a decision made years ago or one made last week. None of that automatically means \u201csomeone messed up.\u201d It means people are invested and paying attention.<\/p>\n

    To keep myself grounded, I\u2019m learning to ask questions like:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • \u201cIf another leader were in my seat, would they likely be hearing similar feedback?\u201d <\/li>\n
    • \u201cIs this about who I am, or about how this process, decision, or structure feels on the ground?\u201d <\/li>\n
    • \u201cWhat is this moment telling us about our culture or history that we can learn from together?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      For example, when I hear, \u201cWe\u2019ve tried changing this before and it never sticks,\u201d I don\u2019t hear, \u201cNo one here knows what they\u2019re doing.\u201d I hear, \u201cWe\u2019ve weathered a lot of change, and trust is precious.\u201d That experience includes the efforts of previous leaders and teams who were doing their best, and the emotional fatigue that naturally builds up over time. My job now is to honor that history, not dismiss it, while also gently helping us move forward.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

      3. Internal boundaries: caring without over-identifying<\/h2>\n

      I care deeply about people and systems\u2014and I see that same care in the leaders and teams around me. None of us are here to clock in and out; we\u2019re invested. That\u2019s a gift, but it also means we\u2019re all at risk of tying our identity too tightly to outcomes, decisions, and other people\u2019s reactions.<\/strong><\/p>\n

      To stay healthy in that environment, I\u2019m naming some internal boundaries for myself. They\u2019re not walls against others; they\u2019re guardrails that help me show up as a better collaborator:<\/p>\n

        \n
      • \u201cI am responsible for my response, not for everyone\u2019s reaction.\u201d<\/strong> That\u2019s true for me, and it\u2019s been true for every leader here.<\/li>\n
      • \u201cI will listen fully, but I won\u2019t let others\u2019 urgency define my identity or my worth.\u201d<\/li>\n
      • \u201cThe emotions I\u2019m hearing are real, and I respect them, but it\u2019s not my job\u2014or any one person\u2019s job\u2014to fix all of them.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

        Right now, these boundaries feel natural because I\u2019m new. People are often sharing long-standing experiences that predate any of us individually. Over time, as I become part of the \u201cwe\u201d who\u2019s shaping the next chapter, I know these boundaries will keep me from over-identifying with any single decision or season. They\u2019ll help me stay a teammate instead of feeling like I alone am the hero or the problem.<\/p>\n

        A simple practice that\u2019s helping me: after a hard conversation, I pause and ask, \u201cWhat\u2019s ours to carry from this?\u201d and \u201cWhat might belong more to history, context, or dynamics none of us fully control?\u201d<\/strong> That language\u2014\u201cours\u201d instead of \u201cmine\u201d or \u201ctheirs\u201d\u2014keeps me thinking in terms of shared stewardship instead of blame.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

        4. Tools for not taking things personally in the moment<\/h2>\n

        Even in six weeks, I\u2019ve had moments where a comment lands more sharply than I expect. In those moments, I try to use a tool I often share with leaders: notice the story, name it as a thought, then test it.<\/p>\n

        Here\u2019s what that looks like for me:<\/p>\n

          \n
        • Someone says, \u201cCommunication has been really unclear.\u201d <\/li>\n
        • The instant story in my head might be, \u201cThey think I\u2019m failing at communication.\u201d <\/li>\n
        • I quietly reframe it: \u201cI\u2019m having the thought<\/em> that they think I\u2019m failing at communication.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

          That small shift reminds me that my interpretation is just that\u2014an interpretation. From there, I can get curious instead of defensive: \u201cCan you share a recent example where communication felt unclear?\u201d \u201cWhat would clearer communication have looked like for you?\u201d<\/p>\n

          This approach honors the person\u2019s experience without assuming they\u2019re attacking me\u2014or anyone else. It keeps the focus on \u201cWhat can we learn?\u201d rather than \u201cWho\u2019s at fault?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

          5. A repeatable process for shared learning from hard feedback<\/h2>\n

          Because I know tough feedback is a normal part of leadership in any organization, I want a process that helps me and others treat it as raw material for learning rather than evidence against any particular leader, past or present. Here\u2019s the simple pattern I\u2019m trying to use:<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

          Before: set a collaborative intention<\/h3>\n

          If I know a conversation might be hard, I try to enter it with intentions like:<\/p>\n

            \n
          • \u201cToday my job is to understand and contribute, not to defend myself or anyone else.\u201d<\/strong> <\/li>\n
          • \u201cMy goal is clarity and kindness, even if we don\u2019t all agree.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

            That posture creates room for all of us to participate without turning the moment into a referendum on previous decisions or current personalities.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

            During: treat feedback as shared data<\/h3>\n

            In the room, two habits help:<\/p>\n

              \n
            • Taking notes,<\/strong> so I don\u2019t lose important details and so the other person can see their input matters.<\/li>\n
            • Asking clarifying questions:<\/strong> \u201cCan you help me understand where that shows up most?\u201d \u201cWhat impact does that have on your day-to-day?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

              We\u2019re not gathering evidence for a trial; we\u2019re gathering insight for a team.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

              After: separate signal, history, and shared action<\/h3>\n

              Later, I like to reflect along these lines:<\/p>\n

                \n
              • Signal:<\/strong> What did we hear that seems important for our future, regardless of who made which decision in the past? <\/li>\n
              • History\/anxiety:<\/strong> Where might people be reacting to accumulated experiences, not just this moment? <\/li>\n
              • Action:<\/strong> What can we realistically do together in response\u2014clarify, adjust, communicate, prioritize\u2014while honoring both our current reality and past efforts?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

                Closing the loop might sound like: \u201cHere\u2019s what I heard us naming, here\u2019s what I think we can do now, and here\u2019s what may need more time or broader collaboration.\u201d That kind of response respects everyone\u2019s contributions, including prior work that brought us this far.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

                6. Rhythms that keep our hearts soft and our leadership strong<\/h2>\n

                I\u2019ve learned that my ability not to take things personally is closely tied to my rhythms. When I\u2019m rested, connected, and grounded, I\u2019m more able to see feedback as shared learning. When I\u2019m depleted, everything feels sharper.<\/p>\n

                So I\u2019m paying attention to practices that help not just me, but all of us, lead from a healthier place:<\/p>\n

                  \n
                • Having safe spaces to process honestly<\/strong> (coaching, mentoring, peer conversations, and even therapy) where we can sort, \u201cWhat\u2019s about me? What\u2019s about us? What\u2019s about the system?\u201d without shaming anyone. <\/li>\n
                • Protecting real rest<\/strong> so that we come back to the work with perspective rather than resentment. <\/li>\n
                • Investing in relationships where our worth isn\u2019t tied to our role, so we remember we\u2019re humans first, leaders second.<\/strong> <\/li>\n
                • Engaging in activities that reconnect us with joy and purpose,<\/strong> not just responsibility.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

                  For me, there\u2019s also a deeper anchoring in values and calling: why I\u2019m here, what kind of presence I want to be, and how I hope people experience me\u2014regardless of position or season. That anchor has room for the contributions of those who came before and those serving alongside me now; it\u2019s not about replacing anyone\u2019s story but joining it.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

                  A collaborative note to myself and to us<\/h2>\n

                  If I could speak to my future self\u2014and to anyone else stepping into a role with a long history\u2014I\u2019d say:<\/p>\n

                  You\u2019re walking into a story that started long before you and will continue long after you. That\u2019s a gift. The fact that you sometimes feel things personally means you care. The fact that others sometimes feel things strongly means they care too.<\/strong><\/p>\n

                  We don\u2019t need to erase what came before or apologize for being here now. We\u2019re part of the same unfolding work. Our invitation is to:<\/p>\n

                    \n
                  • Listen to feedback as a window into our shared reality. <\/li>\n
                  • Honor the efforts and sacrifices that got us here. <\/li>\n
                  • Hold our identity and each other with enough kindness that no single conversation has to define anyone.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

                    My hope is that, together, we can keep growing into a culture where it\u2019s safe to tell the truth, safe to feel strongly, and safe to keep learning\u2014without turning our honest experiences into accusations against ourselves or each other.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

                    High-capacity, high-care leaders often risk tying their identity too closely to outcomes and other people’s reactions. When ownership increases, so does emotional exposure, causing feedback to land on your identity instead of just your role. This post shares a framework to build durable internal boundaries, allowing you to keep listening deeply without absorbing criticism as a personal verdict. The core practice is a crucial mental reframe: treating feedback as shared insight about the system we’re all in, not a critique of your worth. Learn how to set internal boundary rules, use cognitive defusion to create distance from sharp thoughts, and implement a repeatable process for transforming tough conversations into raw material for shared learning.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":212431,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"The System vs. Your Soul: How Senior Leaders Reframe Criticism","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[31],"tags":[148,51,189,132,58,71,120,55,119],"class_list":["post-212418","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-main","tag-communication","tag-culture","tag-feedback","tag-honesty","tag-leadership","tag-life-lessons","tag-servant-leadership","tag-trust","tag-workplace-culture"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/5665066.webp?fit=1280%2C850&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pzg9k-Tg6","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":212598,"url":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/two-types-of-leaders-which-one-are-you-2\/","url_meta":{"origin":212418,"position":0},"title":"Two Types of Leaders: Which One Are You?","author":"Jon Plotner","date":"April 16, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"","rel":"","context":"In "Main"","block_context":{"text":"Main","link":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/category\/main\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"green plants on soil","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/ruqhpukrn7c.webp?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/ruqhpukrn7c.webp?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/ruqhpukrn7c.webp?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/ruqhpukrn7c.webp?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/ruqhpukrn7c.webp?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":210565,"url":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/transforming-teams-essential-culture-rebuilding-strategies\/","url_meta":{"origin":212418,"position":1},"title":"Transforming Teams: Essential Culture Rebuilding Strategies","author":"Jon Plotner","date":"September 11, 2024","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 Taking over a new team is never easy, especially when the culture is in shambles. 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When leaders show up, they're not just\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Main"","block_context":{"text":"Main","link":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/category\/main\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"multi cultural people","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/pexels-photo-3184634.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/pexels-photo-3184634.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/pexels-photo-3184634.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/pexels-photo-3184634.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/pexels-photo-3184634.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":119250,"url":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/if-you-cant-be-honest-are-you-really-loyal\/","url_meta":{"origin":212418,"position":5},"title":"If You Can\u2019t Be Honest, Are You Really Loyal?","author":"Jon Plotner","date":"February 4, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"Adam Grant said in a recent post, \u201cIn toxic relationships, you're forced to choose between honesty and loyalty. You bite your tongue to protect their ego. In healthy relationships, honesty is an expression of loyalty. You speak your mind to help them grow. When you have real trust and respect,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Main"","block_context":{"text":"Main","link":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/category\/main\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"man and woman holding hands","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/pexels-photo-127420.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/pexels-photo-127420.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/pexels-photo-127420.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/pexels-photo-127420.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/pexels-photo-127420.jpeg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/212418","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=212418"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/212418\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":212525,"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/212418\/revisions\/212525"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/212431"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=212418"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=212418"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonplotner.com\/v1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=212418"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}